I recently read a study that attempted to determine the average length of the erect penis by examining upwards of 15, men. These intrepid, probably very-interesting-at-a-dinner-party researchers determined that the average penis size is exactly 5. Where was I for this? Call me next time, science. Answer One: 5. Based solely on anecdotal evidence from my vast network of promiscuous acquaintances, a little more or less in that general neighborhood works best for most people—men and women—who enjoy penetrative sex with penises. Of course, certain people prefer their penises more to one side of the Bell curve.

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My last boyfriend had a long but super skinny one, which was weird. They all look pretty much the same and I think the difference is if a guy knows how to fuck. It felt like someone trying to fit their entire body inside me. Dick size is wayyyy down the list when it comes to whether a guy is good in bed: confidence, rhythm, making me comfortable, attraction—those are all much more important. A guy with a smaller penis is more attractive than a guy with a bigger penis who needs you to be all in awe of what he thinks is some cosmic accomplishment but really is just genes or biology or whatever.
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The 8 inches are kind of good too. The 9 inches are a little too much…for me. With a 5-inch, it is okay, but it all depends on how guys handle their dicks! It hurts really bad when it bottoms out. I had sex with my brother-in-law once and it hurt so bad when he went all the way in. It makes oral sex so much easier.
I think Small Attorney owns it. Yes, I screamed like a girl. Because I am a girl. Because it was so damn gross. I did what any self-respecting girl would do.